Over to our Guest Mummy Editor Georgia on situations no one warns you about!
I’m sure in the dictionary next to Mum there must be something about looking like an idiot on a regular basis. Before I became a Mum, I pictured it as all coffee dates and walking round town with the pram. I didn’t prepare myself for all the embarrassing situations you find yourself in! Now I know why you learn all those breathing techniques in NCT, not to help with the labour but to stop yourself from laughing when you know shouldn’t!
Chanting during an exercise class
Like most new Mum’s once the doctor had given me the all clear I was really keen to start shifting the baby weight. I found an exercise class for people wanting to tone up their tummies and strengthen their pelvic floor- perfect! I turned up with Axel in tow only to be asked to write down three positive affirmations about myself that I could chant while I worked out. I’m all for being positive but never in my life did I think I’d be doing crunches chanting ‘I am wonderful, I created a human’. Looking across at Axel he even looked embarrassed. To top it off as I went to run out the door I was asked to leave a wish for the exercise and nutrition fairy (you can imagine what I wished for!).
Teaching my 3 month old different languages
I’m definitely keen for Axel to learn a foreign language, as one of my biggest regrets is not sticking with one myself. So, looking for a baby class to go to I stumbled across Babel Babies, which is supposed to help develop the love for language. Baring in mind Axel who is only three months old can barely goo and gah I now spend half an hour a week teaching him how to speak six different languages. It is lovely but sometimes when I catch him with a completely blank expression on his face, I find myself thinking, ‘what the hell am I doing here?!’
Crying in public
Before having a baby I was a bit of an ice queen and would never be caught crying (unless I was putting it on to get my own way), this has all changed. Axel decided to have the mother of all meltdowns while we were out shopping; trying to calm him down I took him out of his pram and briskly pushed it as I held him to walk home. Still screaming, I was starting to lose it and glanced over at a lady hoping for a friendly smile of reassurance only to be tutted at! I saw red and rather than shouting abuse at her I found myself joining Axel crying like a baby in the middle of the street.
Singing The Osmond’s in public
No one likes the sound of a crying baby and sometimes you have to use a number of tactics to make one stop. One day as I was watching The Lorraine show Axel started to cry, then miraculously The Osmond’s started playing on the TV and he immediately stopped and started smiling. Since, I’ve started to serenade Axel with renditions of ‘Don’t love me for fun girl’. Since, I’ve figured he pretty much likes any song so now car journeys with my husband consist of us making up different lyrics to the same tune, occasionally we glance over at each other and wonder where it all went wrong.
Covered in suspicious stains
I have a pukey boy; sometimes I’m just pulling a lovely clean jumper over his head and he pukes all over it. The same happens when we’re out, but a baby with a bit of sick on their jumper is acceptable. It’s slightly more embarrassing when it’s on a full grown adult and makes you look as though you’ve dribbled down your front. Recently, Axel was sick right in my husbands crotch leaving a huge white patch on his grey jeans, he then added insult to injury by trying to clean it off with a baby wipe and had to spend the rest of the day walking round like he peed his pants. Note to self: Bring a spare change of clothes for adults as well as Axel.