If you haven’t followed Hollie’s dating tales from around the world yet, you really need to – hilarious, and honest – two attributes one struggles to find in said dating! An English blogger from Buckinghamshire, www.holliedaydiaries.com details her single girl quest for love, husband-hunting on her holidays.
Having lived in Dubai for over three years, we asked Hollie for her insights into dating in Dubai:
1 – Signing up to dating apps
You will join the likes of Tinder, Bumble and Happn. Having finalised your profile pictures (debating if you’ve too many with inflatable swans in and questioning if you really should be including the wake-boarding action-shot for fear of miss-selling yourself as someone who enjoys exercise), you will then receive a less than favourable text message from your ex.
*It will be a text as you asked him to block you on Whatsapp for your own mental well-being. Having done nothing but look to see when he was last online for two whole weeks, you thought it best.
He won’t be happy that you joined a dating app six weeks after splitting up.
Your girlfriends will then inform you that he’s been on it for a month.
You will Whatsapp the group chat the crying emoji and promptly order a Freedom Pizza.
2 – Blue Marlin UAE marriage proposals
If tagged in any of Blue Marlin’s professional photographs, expect to receive marriage proposals and wildly flattering messages and poems deep into the double digits. You’ll spend a good hour laughing and then ignoring (via the power of declining their friend requests) the cute and crazy things strangers are happy to part with in private messages.
You will then Skype your best mate back home and tell her that absolutely no one fancies you and that there are no nice guys in Dubai.
What you actually mean, is the bloke you were hoping to hear from hasn’t messaged you all day.
He was tagged in Barasti four minutes ago.
He is not dead, hasn’t fled the country or been hospitalised as previously presumed.
3- Prepare to party at Zero Gravity with;
The ex that broke your heart. Yes we know you told all your girlfriends that you didn’t want to go anywhere where he might be, but what you actually meant was you didn’t want to go unless you’d had a professional blow dry and had contoured your cheekbones within an inch of your life. Perhaps it is time to admit that you’ve also taken up jogging in the hope of breezily bumping into him doing circuits around the Marina, post-full beautifying process above.
Hot guy from Spinneys. The one who caught your eye after the one of two times you actually went jogging. You know, the time you wore your old, threadbare H&M leggings before you’d found the more sweaty-fanny friendly ones in Lulu Lemon. Cooling down in the fridge aisle and conscious you smelt like armpit, his beauty meant you couldn’t catch your breath. You reverted to loitering in the sanitary products aisle by means of hiding from him.
The bloke from Bumble. The one you really liked until you had a full stalking sesh one Saturday, deep scrolling through Tweets from 2012. By process of elimination and calling on your girl gang to put local gossip to girls’ faces, it turns out he’d dated your colleague, your colleague’s housemate’s best friend, your housemate and your housemate’s new boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. You asked him about it on Bumble. He never replied.
You’ll stand at the bar next to each other like complete strangers and pretend to have never spoken before.
4 – Mahiki’s “Tinder Tuesdays” ladies night
Every financial adviser and estate agent you have ever seen on the app will be gallantly doing single lad laps around the club, mentally swiping right or left. The ladies will pretend not to notice, but up their dance game when someone they like edges near. You will confirm if you too mentally swipe right with your very best “come to bed eyes” and then break into “I’m on the pull so girls, please laugh along with me for absolutely no reason” giggles.
This will then be followed by asking him to take a photo, the universally easy conversation starter.
He will do as asked (what a gent!) but will not get your shoes in the picture as requested.
You will not date this man.
5 – Go Downtown for dates
Do not risk Dubai Marina on a first date. Anywhere in Pier 7 is a complete no go unless you want to spend the evening talking to half his football team, doing single girl side eye at the door in case your date from the previous week walks in, or generally having an audience made up of men you’ve had adult sleepovers with as they won you over with the ever popular “I’m just happy to cuddle” line.